Like any ailment, anxiety can be disruptive and significantly easier to manage with some support. With the Anxiety and Depression Association of America reporting that 18% of American adults have anxiety, there’s a significant chance it will impact you or a romantic partner. Whether one or both of you previously dealt with an anxiety disorder, or it manifests itself while coupled, it’s another challenge for the two of you to face together.
The way you choose to be there for a partner with anxiety can make an incredible difference. “There are decades of research to show that a supportive, nonjudgmental home and family can be as important as medicine or therapy to someone coping with a mental health condition.” says Aimee Daramus, Psy.D.
Say you have been with your partner for a long time and have a strong, supportive relationship, and then they develop anxiety. While your history together will certainly help, be prepared for their mental illness to potentially change things. “Anxiety has the capacity to shape and strain a relationship, regardless of the foundation of love, respect, and ideals,” says Dr. Leela R. Magavi, M.D., psychiatrist and Regional Medical Director for Community Psychiatry. “When one or both individuals in a relationship struggle with anxiety or a psychiatric concern, this could create immediate and anticipatory anxiety about the stability of the relationship.”
Dr. Magavi explains that anxious thoughts can produce bouts of irritability in a person, potentially leading to an increase in arguments with your partner. “Anxiety is on a spectrum, and severe anxiety often presents with paranoia,” she says. “Individuals may worry that their partners are cheating on them when there is no evidence or reason to assume such a thing. Similarly, they could worry about their partner leaving or abandoning them. These worries could make it difficult to practice mindful living, and could cause damage to or even end a relationship.”
At the same time, if one or both partners has a flare of anxiety, a sense of codependency may emerge. Part of the disorder is struggling with a sense of self, relying on a partner to find purpose may seem like an “easy” fix. In these cases, there will be an increase in requests for affection and proclamations of love, explains Dr. Magavi.
A person with anxiety may struggle to adjust to a change in plans made by their partner, and they may abstain from making plans altogether due to a lack of confidence in their choices. “They may avoid speaking openly about feelings due to fear of rejection, which could consequently lead to emotional outbursts and passive-aggression,” says Dr. Magavi. “If individuals are struggling with anxiety, they may express anger or frustration when their partners are not immediately available. Something as simple as not sending a text in the expected amount of time could lead to a fight.”
Thankfully we are seeing stigma reduce, and if your partner judges you for your experience of anxiety, that can be incredibly telling. You want a partner who can both affirm your experience while supporting you to feel better.”
Lauren Cook, PsyD.
Clearly, there are many ways a person can express their anxiety in a relationship, but there are just as many ways a partner can find to support them. For anyone who has not experienced anxiety first-hand, learning about and acknowledging the fears it can bring out is critical. It’s easy to see a partner become irritable or doubtful of a relationship, seemingly out of nowhere, and feel frustrated. Understanding the misplaced stress mental illness can create will lead to an improved understanding.
Keep an open flow of communication
There is no way better way to fully grasp what your partner is going through than from the source themselves. Do the work to discern the many facets of anxiety, then come to them with an open mind to hear about their personal experience. For anyone with anxiety, especially in a newer relationship, there can be a sense of not wanting to burden the other person but, when you’re ready, opening up to the person you care about can feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
“I see anxiety wreaking havoc in a relationship when a person tries adamantly to hide their experience,” says Lauren Cook, PsyD. “You can own it! Thankfully we are seeing stigma reduce, and if your partner judges you for your experience of anxiety, that can be incredibly telling. You want a partner who can both affirm your experience while supporting you to feel better.”
Together you can find ways to alleviate unnecessary stress and anxiety. In these conversations, keeping an open mind is of the utmost necessity. No matter how well you know your partner, provide suggestions, not decrees for them to implement. “It is pivotal to ask open-ended questions to learn about partners’ feelings. Voicing individual feelings and creating a safe environment may encourage loved ones to open up as well,” says Dr. Magavi, suggesting weekly emotional check-ins as an option to consider. “Listening without judgment is key. I would recommend individuals ask their partners to specify how they would like to be helped.”
Provide help on their terms
Even if you also deal with anxiety, your coping mechanisms and preferred support may differ from your partner’s. Instead of assuming their needs are the same, ask how you can best tailor your help to their situation. As Daramus suggests, “You can learn some of their coping skills so that you can help them get through a panic attack or another mental health crisis, and set plans together for what role you’ll play if there’s an emergency.”
Anxiety is all too easy to get comfortable with, so couples may want to consider gently challenging each other. Cook reports exposure therapy to be one of the best treatments for anxiety. “Having a partner who kindly encourages us to come to that party when we have social anxiety or not run out of the room if we see a spider, can actually help us overcome our fears,” says Cook. “When a partner enables our anxiety, it can, unfortunately, strengthen our worries while momentarily giving us a feeling of relief.” Emboldening your partner doesn’t mean pushing your partner into a situation that overwhelms them. At their pace, lightly encourage their progression of having managed anxiety—with your supportive care by their side.