When you see or hear the word intimacy, you often think of sex or physical intimacy. When couples struggle with physical intimacy, they usually think the issue – and the solution – lies solely in the bedroom.
But real intimacy is much more complicated and significantly bigger than the act of sex alone. There is a whole system of intimacy at play within every relationship that greatly affects what does – or doesn’t – go on in the bedroom.
Intimacy is connection on all levels – physical, emotional, intellectual, and so on. Furthermore, every type of connection is connected. When one begins to break down or sits in the corner ignored for too long, it will inevitably weaken the others.
The complicated nature of building and maintaining intimacy starts with a classic problem. Phillip Lee, MD, the Co-head of Couples Therapy at Weill Cornell Medical Center of New York Presbyterian Hospital and co-author of Argument Addiction: Even When You Win, You Lose, explains that men typically want to have sex to feel close, whereas women prefer to feel close before having sex. And so begins the battle of both parties feeling fully connected.
First, let’s look at all the different levels of connection.
What Does Real Intimacy Involve?
A standard model for explaining intimacy breaks it down into five distinct components:
- Emotional
- Intellectual
- Spiritual
- Experiential
- Physical/Sexual
Understanding these components even exist is an essential first step in fostering intimacy in your relationship. “Recognizing the different types of intimacy expands a couple’s focus from a sole emphasis on sex to the recognition that many types of connection fuel a relationship,” says Heather Lyons, Ph.D., psychologist, and co-founder of With Therapy.
But, taking the time and effort to work on each component is where couples usually falter. “Although we often give a great deal of attention to our work world and daily routine, we often forget that our romantic relationships also need to be given consistent doses of attention and loving care,” says Carla Manly, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Aging Joyfully and Joy from Fear.
Each intimacy type is an integral part of making a relationship whole.
Emotional
When emotional intimacy is present, couples feel safe to share their feelings, trusting they won’t be ridiculed or judged in return. “Emotional intimacy is important because it fosters a sense of awareness of a partner’s feelings and inner emotional world,” explains Dr. Manly.
To build this type of intimacy, each partner needs to be self-aware enough to understand their feelings and emotions and brave enough to share them. That is not always easy, but it is vital, as this level of connection serves as a foundation for long-term closeness.
Intellectual
Intellectual intimacy includes sharing thoughts, ideas, and learning experiences. Like emotional intimacy, it means each partner trusts they can discuss what’s on their mind without receiving an adverse reaction. It does not require couples to always agree on everything, but it does mean they recognize and seek to understand each other’s views and perspectives.
Building this type of connection helps couples enjoy stimulating conversations and remain interesting to one another. “Intellectual intimacy can increase one’s respect and appreciation for a partner,” adds Dr. Manly.
Spiritual
This type of intimacy does not need to be rooted in a particular religion or spiritual practice. It is about discussing deep, philosophical matters like purpose, the meaning of life, what happens after death, etc. Again, partners do not need to agree, but rather the connection lies in the sharing. “Spiritual intimacy is important because it creates another layer of connection that is ‘beyond’ the couple yet also part of the couple,” explains Dr. Manly.
Experiential
Experiential intimacy is all about shared experiences, whether it be travel, hobbies, or going through life’s big moments together. This requires couples to break out of the routine of daily life and try new things together.
It also involves going through life’s hardships and challenges together. “The bonds formed by weathering difficult times often strengthen and affirm a romantic partnership,” says Dr. Manly.
Physical/Sexual
Physical intimacy is the sexual connection between partners. Dr. Manly explains that in a monogamous relationship, it is the only form of intimacy exclusive to romantic partners. “Sexual intimacy can, as a result, build a very sacred physical and emotional bond between partners,” she adds.
The Issue Isn’t Just Sex
While each type of intimacy can break down, a decrease in sexual intimacy tends to be the most noticeable. Couples then think the problem is confined to the bedroom, and therefore that is where they focus on fixing it. But the real issue has roots in the other types of intimacy.
“If a partner doesn’t feel accepted or valued, it’s difficult to become vulnerable in the way mutually satisfying sex demands.”
Heather Lyons, Ph.D., psychologist
Each level of connection helps to build and maintain a desire for one another beyond physical attraction and lust. Intellectual intimacy builds respect and keeps things interesting. Experiential intimacy generates excitement and solidifies your bond. Spiritual intimacy creates a sense of oneness and elevates your connection beyond the stressors of daily life. And emotional intimacy can sometimes be a prerequisite for physical intimacy to even have a chance, at least for women.
That brings us back to the classic problem that Dr. Lee pointed out. “Men hope to achieve emotional intimacy through physical intimacy, whereas women need emotional intimacy first in order to be ready for physical intimacy,” he says. This can make it exceedingly difficult for couples to navigate where to even begin addressing their intimacy issues.
It’s A Balancing Act
The answer cannot be found in one type of intimacy alone. Unfortunately, it is not as simple as scheduling time to have sex or planning a date night once a month. The solution lies in prioritizing the relationship as a whole and consistently fostering each type of intimacy.
Dr. Lyons explains that each of the non-sexual types of intimacy creates a safe space for couples to open up sexually. “If a partner doesn’t feel accepted or valued, it’s difficult to become vulnerable in the way mutually satisfying sex demands,” she says.
On the other hand, if couples focus too much on emotional and/or spiritual intimacy, letting sexual intimacy drop off, the relationship can become void of any emotional charge, and couples become more like good friends than romantic partners. “A healthy mix is important,” she emphasizes.
Dr. Lyons says it is also helpful to think about how the prominence of the different types of intimacy evolves over the lifecycle of a relationship. “For example, sexual intimacy is often prioritized at the beginning of a relationship while emotional and spiritual intimacy often strengthens over time,” she explains.
How to Get Back on Track
So, how do you juggle it all?
While it may seem daunting to devote time to work on five different types of intimacy, there is a much less intimidating way to view it. Dr. Lyons says the best way to increase intimacy across the board is to simply get to know your partner better. “Take time each week to ask them questions to deepen your understanding of them and communicate that you really see them,” she says.
This means asking questions beyond the day-to-day logistics of what time you’ll be home, who is taking which kid to what activity, and what needs to be picked up from the grocery store. It means discussing things like long-term professional goals, hobbies you’ve always wanted to take up, and even current fears or anxieties.
These conversations will help to strengthen intimacy where it still exists and rebuild where it has broken down. Pay attention to your and your partner’s comfort level throughout these talks and you’ll quickly learn what areas of intimacy need the most work. Where do you avoid sharing? When does your partner seem to shut down? What always becomes an argument?
It Takes Two
Intimacy is a two-way street. It is giving and receiving. You must be willing to share yourself and be accepting of your partner. Dr. Manly says that intimacy is built over time by truly tuning into your partner – seeing them, hearing them, and trying to understand them.
As both partners begin to feel safe and accepted, all gaps will close – physical and non-physical. For intimacy in any form will never survive when couples simply go through the motions of doing life together. It thrives in the closeness of couples sharing themselves with each other.
It is more than sharing a life. It is sharing the inner workings of your life.