From lingerie and lube to vibrators and butt plugs, pleasure products are a staple in many bedrooms across the globe. But for some, the idea of bringing toys into the mix may seem uncomfortable, unethical, or utterly unnecessary.
Still, the sex toy and adult pleasure products market is a multi-billion dollar industry, so there must be something to it. Are these products just for fun, or is there any real intimacy value to using them? To find out, Couplewell spoke to several experts to learn the ins and outs of playing with pleasure products. Read on to find out what we learned.
1. Open your mind.
First things first, our experts wanted to address the most common barrier to any kind of sexual exploration. Shame. For many, the reluctance to try pleasure products alone or with a partner is rooted in embarrassment, guilt, or fear that sex toy use is symptomatic of some underlying issue.
“Shame can stem from a sense that there’s something wrong with us and our sexual expression, so challenging that feeling is a good place to start,” says Caitlin V., MPH., Clinical Sexologist for Royal, a vegan-friendly condom and lubrication company. She recommends speaking to a sex therapist or coach to help you work through those feelings and find a new perspective.
We asked Gigi Engle, CSE, CSC, a sexologist and author of All The F**king Mistakes, what that new perspective might look like. “The ingrained messages we’ve gotten about masturbation and sexual shame are not inherent; they are socially contrived notions steeped in politics, religion, and sex-negative social messages,” Engle explained. To educate yourself and become more comfortable thinking and talking about sex Engle recommends also reading She Comes First by Ian Kerner, Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life by Dr. Karen Gurney, A Curious History of Sex by Kate Lister, and Sex For One: The Joy of Self-Loving by Betty Dodson.
Dr. Lyndsey Harper, CEO of Rosy, a women’s sexual wellness app promoting intimacy, agrees that re-education is key to removing shame. “If we carry negative religious or cultural views about masturbation, the only way to combat those is to educate yourself about pleasure and the potential therapeutic benefits of masturbation, including increased desire and orgasm,” she explains. “Neither of these work against a relationship.”
2. Solo play sets your partner up for success.
Everybody is different, and every body is different. Most sex educators, counselors, therapists, and coaches recommend self-exploration to get to know yourself better. Understand your pleasure points, the kind of touch that will get you going, and the kind that will get you off.
The reason for that, explains Dr. Jill McDevitt, Resident Sexologist for sex toy emporium CalExotics, is that, “You’re always a sexual person first, and you share it second.” She says that knowing your body empowers you not only to teach your partner, but it also reminds you that you can always come back home to yourself.
Megwyn White, Director of Education for sexual wellness company Satisfyer, says self-exploration is especially crucial for women whose pleasure points are in harder to reach places and take more time to stimulate effectively. “Pleasure products can be a great way to help increase sensation, release tensions that might be inhibiting our sexual response cycle, and allow us the opportunity to access areas of our body that are difficult with our hands alone,” she explains. And the more you practice pleasure, she adds, the more available and responsive your body will be with your partner.
3. Fully connect with your body.
Caitlin says that pleasure products help make sex (solo or partnered) a multi-sensory experience, allowing participants to further connect with their body.
She recommends trying several different products to experiment with a variety of sensations, and asking your partner to rate each feeling based on how pleasurable it is. “A blindfold can be used to help your partner relax and receive pleasure, or to help them develop their skills for giving feedback and asking for what they want,” she says. “This will help them to drop into their body and be present in the moment.
Megwyn adds that things like lingerie and candles are a great way to invite your body into the moment. “An essential key to accessing our pleasure is to allow ourselves to take space,” she explains. “All of these elements are part of a larger integrative field of pleasure that allows us to expand our pleasure boundaries and enter into a world of erotic energy where we feel supported from all sides and angles.”
4. Enhance communication with your partner.
Sex can often be an awkward conversation for couples to navigate. But Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of sex toy shop Early to Bed, says that the simple act of shopping for a pleasure product can open the sexual lines of communication with your partner. “There can be a heightened sense of intimacy as you two shop for a new gadget together and share some of your sexual desires,” she explains. “Many people find that once they start talking about sex toys, they can open up more fully about their sex life and fantasies.”
This expanded communication can be especially helpful for couples who’e been together awhile. “Many folks find that using sex toys helps to inject novelty into long-term relationships, and their mere presence can help to open the lines of communication with regard to desires, boundaries, likes and dislikes,” explains Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Resident Sexologist at ASTROGLIDE.
Dr. Harper agrees, explaining that trying new things provides an opportunity for discussions you’ve never had before. It gives you and your partner a new vocabulary surrounding pleasure and allows for greater sexual confidence.
5. Enjoy new experiences.
Unless you’ve met someone with a vibrating hand or tongue, toys will always be able to provide sensations our bodies simply cannot. And new sensations can lead to all kinds of new in a relationship.
“Most pleasure products are enhancements to pleasure and can surprise and delight your partner by introducing them to sensations they may have been too intimidated to try,” says Megwyn. “Having a playful attitude can help you to see your partner in a new light and allow you to venture into facets of your personality never before experienced by you or your partner.”
Dr. O’Reilly adds you may also be inspired to try new things. For example, if you try a flavored lube for the first time, it may instigate oral play or kissing areas of the body usually overlooked. Or silicone lube, she points out, might have you relocating your session to the shower or bath.
Dr. McDevitt continues that lingerie and costumes can lend themselves to role-play, sex swings and props make new positions possible, and remote-controlled panty vibes add an element of teaching and surprise.
6. Keep things fresh and exciting.
As time goes by in a relationship, sex can become very routine. But with pleasure products, that doesn’t have to be the case.
“There are so many great products out there that can help two people have more adventure, pleasure, and fun during sex,” explains Searah. She recommends massage oils and edible products to create a more full-body experience, and vibrators to help reach those sometimes-elusive orgasms. “Also, bringing a toy into your partner play can help create more intimacy as the two of you figure out how to use these products together,” she adds.
Pleasure products can also help bring you back to the early days of your relationship when everything was exciting and full of mystery. Megwyn explains the beginning of a relationship creates dopamine surges in the brain that motivate you and your partner to discover each other. “Exploring with devices can act as a catalyst to invite this newness back into the relationship while maintaining safety,” she says.
7. Create your own normal.
All our experts agree that there is no right or wrong, and understanding your unique sexuality is the key to a fulfilling and high quality sex life. As Engle points out, “Humans are incredibly curious creatures and being able to explore that curiosity with a sex partner is a magical, bonding thing.”
According to Dr. Harper, we all have different ideas about what is “right,” “normal,” and “acceptable.” But the key here is opening your mind, trying new things, and finding your version of normal.
Because after all, our sexuality is bigger than the act of sex. “Sex is part of the foundation of who we are and can be an uncomfortably vulnerable space,” says Caitlin. “That said, if you’e willing to allow yourself to be seen, and you are with someone you can deeply trust, it can be a source of transformational healing.”
“Sexuality is a journey of expansion at all levels,” adds Megwyn.